a common night of side effects and drug interactions

There are so many things I never say outside my head. I have a running monologue, it probably comes from being an only child. I narrate my life as though there were an audience or I'm writing a book. I'll probably never get around to writing a book. The editor in me cringes at the thought. But there's something about the modern blog that allows a person to just talk. We don't talk to each other in person, but we can at least strain at a type of connection between reader and writer.
I would never share what it is to be ill, really. Not the synapse I tell people, not the overview of current physical feelings but a beat by beat of sorts. Actually exposing what it means to try and function, have some sort of life despite what my body is doing and whats happening because of the pills I'm prescribed.
I've been pretty pukey the last couple of days. I was visiting a relative and smoking in my car late at night, an experience that was surprisingly meditative. I would take a couple hits and then lean out the door and puke. Sometimes it was only a mouth full that rolled out of a pocked at the back of throat that seemed to store a mouth full of digested foods at all times. Then I would close the door and smoke some more, thinking, meditating, warming myself from the inside with silly thoughts. smoke, mediate, puke, meditate, puke, smoke. All in a random sequence. I don't even think about it when I puke anymore. I lean over, relieve my esophagus of its spasming and sit back down, rinse out my throat and continue on as if nothing happened. I'm not sick. The doctors think its a combination of the pills I take, but its a small price to pay for this level of functionality.
The car was a perfect place to just lean over and puke. It was the perfect angle so that none of it shot out my nose, unlike tonight and most nights. I wish I could get rid of the smell and the burning in my nostrils. my forehead is throbbing, I keep rolling my eyes subconsciously because I'm "so over it".
Pretty much any time I consume something, be it food, candy or what have you, it hurts my stomach of burns through my throat. I choose to survive by eating the things that hurt me the least. The healthier it is and the better it is for me the less likely I'll be able to eat it. I have been jonesing for a salad for about 3 years.
I've worked out what my last meal with be based on the things that I love to eat and no longer can because blood and the hospital are a common side effect of consumption along with some crippling pain. I suppose this is where I let you know that there are no longer any pain killers that work on me, nothing works to put me to sleep. the last time I had an upper endoscopy the drug they gave me never worked. I was awake and choking to breathe through the entire thing. They scorched my esophagus during the process. They also waited far too long for the drug to take effect without adjusting for my obvious tolerance as i talked to them the entire time. I was a tiny bit tired at one point but they I was completely aware and feeling no numbing effects, they proceeded with the procedure.
I don't think theres a single part of my body that hasn't been filmed multiple times from the inside, tiny cameras snaking through what seems miles of pink or grey or bloody.
I'm so tired, always so tired. I sleep but I never rest. I can't write anymore tonight, my head is pounding.