uphill life

these past few weeks have been sooooo long. there isn't a word or series of words that can adequately describe how long this week has been. I feel it in my shortness of breath and the tightness in my chest. I know I need to eat, I'm trying to think of what I can eat that I'm less likely to throw-up. But by the feeling in my chest I have a suspicion that I'll throw up no matter what I eat in which case I should choose the food less likely to be unpleasant on the way back up.
If I didn't mention Ive been throwing up a lot lately. so much in fact that i forgot i had thrown up a couple of times yesterday until something random triggered the memory. when vomiting is no longer an event in your life worth remembering you know you're doing it too much.
I'm so tired i cant see straight and probably couldn't write by hand but can type because i don't have to look at the keys or the keyboard.
My eye has been twitching since about 6pm. I don't know why but nothing makes it stop.
I feel a great weight on my forehead that keeps me awake and aware. It listens to the sensations in my stomach and esophagus. It tells me I will not sleep until I have consumed something and while I ask for assurances that whatever i choose to eat will stay down I cant get an agreement. It's a wild card. 50/50 of a nice snack and blissful oblivion or a nice snack, vomiting, more stomach acid, and having to take more meds to get to sleep because my body is too keyed up after the heaving. This is why all of the trash cans in my house are lined with reused plastic shopping bags. because I may need one as a vessel to vomit in and I want easy clean-up. Another indication that vomiting is an integral part of my life at this point. It comes and it goes, its always awful. sometimes i can throw up mid stride and keep walking and other times I'm heaving over the toilet. It could be multiple time a night or not at all. vomit roulette. Its a shame it won't make me skinny. I'm not sure if I'm being sardonic or self-loathing with that comment. It comes from some mean little part of me.
I'm so tired, so tired. My skin is crawling with lack of sleep. If I could just get sleep before I'm dragged out of bed. If I can wake up and be alert, having be unconsious for a cwertain amount of time, I can deal with the tired. I'm used to tired. But getting dragged out and performing tasks by muscle memory is s bone deep tired. I'm weary. There is so much that I need to do and people I would like to see. The projects keep piling up as I stumble through weary wakefulness. every day is so long but I can't seem to get everything done. *sigh*